North West of the South Island of Middle Earth

The North West Coast of The South Island near Punakaiki.

So far New Zealand is like a Cole’s Notes Condensed version of British Columbia.

There are a few differences.  There are no bears or other large mammals other than those kept on farms for human consumption.  The mountains are smaller but they tend to explode.  They have dense rainforest made up of steroid abusing ferns and other weird looking plants rather than massive evergreens with no personal space issues.  Everything is close together.

These are ferns, not Palm trees.  

Like BC we see wineries, mountains, oceans, lakes, glaciers and beautiful scenery.  The advantage to New Zealand is that your window of opportunity to see such things is much larger.  The general climate here is much like that of Victoria – cool summers, warm winters and little snow.  You don’t have to pack a month’s supply of food and water and hire porters and sherpas to get from one area of interest to another.

Having said that the pace of life here is sane.  You Torontonians, Calgarians and your ilk are probably rolling your eyes at my statement that BC life is too fast paced.  It is too fast paced.  The pace of life in BC is too stressful for actual sanity.  It is ridiculously fast paced in Toronto and no one ever said anyone from Toronto was sane.  Calgarians, well, what can I say…

Come to New Zealand to see how life should be lived.

We went kayaking in Abel Tasman Park.  Abel Tasman Park is New Zealand’s smallest national park and it is about one hour’s drive out of Nelson.  One hour’s drive in New Zealand does not mean 100 km.  New Zealand does not spend a lot of money on roads.  The roads are all two lane – one lane going in each direction – and they do not blast their way through obstacles.  They go around them.  That means there are no straight parts on any roads in New Zealand.  Even if they are going across dead flat areas they wind around avoiding such obstacles as rocks, trees, grass or sheep. Many of the bridges are one lane so only one vehicle can go over at a time.  Woss yer ‘urry, mite?

We spent the day kayaking in the park.  The weather was great for it – it was warm with clear blue skies and very little wind.  We saw seals, little blue penguins, and a giant stingray.  We also saw that someone’s breast implants had fallen out.  We were told that it was only a jellyfish and that we could touch it if we wanted.  We had barbequed lamb on the beach and got too much sun.  Life is SOOO hard here in New Zealand.

Life is SOOOO hard in New Zealand

From Nelson we travelled to Punakaiki. Punakaiki is right on the west coast of the south island facing the restless Tasman Sea. It is famous for it’s pancake rocks and blowholes.  Mostly Punakaiki is famous as a stopover point between Nelson and the Franz Josef glacier. The pancake rocks are a geological formation – not a particularly crunchy breakfast food. They are interesting, but not spectacular and the blowholes are similar to those we have on the west coast of the island.  

Telen making the blowholes look good

The place we stayed at did not have a kitchenette and there was very little choice as far as eating goes.   So we ate at the restaurant in the hotel. 

That was unfortunate.

 Because I felt like indulging and I love fish and chips I had…. fish and chips.  $36.00 worth of fish and chips.  That sounds like a lot but it wasn’t – 2 pieces of fish and a small bowl of chips.   It did include some steamed veggies, tartar sauce and staphylococcus.

The next morning I was in agony.  I felt as if Alien was about to burst out of my gut and rampage through the bus.  Six hours in pouring rain on a bus rocking back and forth on the Kiwi highways with Alien playing fast and loose in my gut with a vise-grip and a monkey wrench.  By the time we got to Franz Josef I was a limp rag.  Telen said I was grouchy.  

Ya think?

Then the vomiting started.  I was fortunate that that particular phase happened when I was at the hotel where it was a bit less embarrassing to do projectile emesis.  Nothing says “cool” like being on all fours on the side of the road bringing up your stomach contents while 30 people on a bus adjudicate your style.  It was a rough day.  Strangely the next day I felt fine – just a little weak and very hungry since I had not eaten the previous day at all.  Food poisoning is something I expected in Southeast Asia but it surprised me in New Zealand.

Franz Josef is all about the glacier.  You can skydive over the glacier, you can helicopter to the glacier, you can fly over the glacier, you can have guided tours to the glacier or just about anything else you can think of to do with glaciers.   If you have the cash…  We hiked up to glacier.  For free. 

Apparently that is frowned upon here.

Franz Josef Glacier

Telen and the waterfall.  

It was a very nice hike.  In New Zealand you don’t hike on trails – you tramp on tracks.  Saw wye trumped onna truk up tudda glysha, mite.  It was a very nice tramp through rain forest with all kinds of interesting and odd looking plants. It was both strange and beautiful.  You get the feeling that you have wandered into Jurassic Park and T-Rex is about to leap out at you and take a bite.  Luckily the only creatures that do take a bite are sand flies.  T-Rex has better taste than to eat Canadians.  Frozen food is not as good for you as the fresh stuff and I look like I would be too high in cholesterol.  On the other hand WE had a picnic up there - but did not eat the local wildlife.

Picnic by the glacier

However, I did take a drink out of the stream coming from the glacier.  It is kind of fun to think I was drinking water that fell as snow before my Neanderthal ancestors wandered into Europe.  That water was as clear as any water I have ever seen, it was cold and it was delicious.  Clean taste, delicate aroma with a slight mammothy aftertaste.

Taking a drink of glacier water NOT kissing the ground

The Franz Josef glacier was interesting but not as spectacular as the Columbia Ice Fields.  However the Columbia Ice Fields has boring plants and giant mosquitos as compared to fascinating plants and sand flies with delusions of grandeur.

The accommodation we had in Franz Josef was at a place called the “Rainforest Retreat”.  I had pictured a cabin tucked somewhere in a deep green rainforest at the base of some huge trees with moss-covered rocks around and the sound of a stream running somewhere in the distance.    The “cabin” was actually a motel room right on the edge of town near the rainforest and the moss-covered rock was the gravel in the parking lot. We arrived at about the same time as two tour busses from Trafalgar Tours and Flying Kiwi’s. 

So much for tranquil forest retreat!

The hormones flowing from those busses could have been bottled and sold on the net.  No one on either of those busses could have been older than twenty-five and all of them were very thirsty.  No sooner had their wranglers got them checked in than they stampeded for the Monsoon Bar that was in the complex.  Normally that kind of behavior is not a problem for us.  The noise level was.  All the boys were yelling various versions of “Pay attention to ME!” and all the girls were being coy at the top of their lungs.  At 3 am they were still doing the mating dance. 

It had the makings of a BBC nature documentary.  There was a rainforest, there was wildlife, there was mating behavior, and a viscous predator looking to kill something.